JIM NOODLECRACKER
FOUND DEAD

  Derranged local Jim Noodlecracker was found slumped over a flagon of oatmeal in his home earlier this morning. Doctors found that Noodlecracker had consumed 43 pounds of oats in a span of 22 minutes. Oats entered his bloodstream and his heart stopped as a result.

  Funeral services for Noodlecracker will be held at the Jane Doe Sanctuary on a later date. Noodlecracker was beloved by many in the community for his weekly Tucan broils at the local bank. Noodlecracker served 16 years in the US Marine corps as a cook and a piper, gathering 374 confirmed kills and a purple heart.

  In Noodlecracker's backyard, investigators found a suspicious titanium cap on a large circular ground door. When a lifting team removed the cap, they peered into a 2-mile deep hole. Neighbors of Noodlecracker stated that loud noises had been emerging from Noodlecracker's backyard starting at 2 AM every day for 7 years. Questions about the sounds yielded vague and inconsistent answers.

  At the bottom of the hole, a device which appears to be a single-barrelled shotgun was found. It has no registration or visible attempt at serial scraping. The shotgun is not known to have ever been sold or patented, and is completely unknown in any history. A researcher has taken the device home for further inspection. No update on the device's origins has come back at this time.